Leading from a wholehearted place means being compassionate – this is being kind to ourselves first, as we cannot practice compassion for others if we do not start within. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu note in The Book of Joy, “Self-compassion is closely connected to self-acceptance…it is actually having compassion for our human frailties and recognizing that we are vulnerable and limited like all people. As a result, it is a fundamental basis for developing compassion for others. It is hard to love others as you love yourself, if you don’t love yourself.”
A lot of what we see then when talking about leadership [and living] in Africa, is a lack of self-love and compassion that gets projected onto organisations, communities, and whole societies. The big man or big woman syndrome – rule by fear and might – is really a defence mechanism to hide away insecurities that haven’t been dealt with about one’s inherent self-worth.
When you accept your human frailties, you show up in a much more compassionate, open, trusting and considerate way in your leadership.
A crucial component of compassionate leadership involves self-care. All too often, leaders are invited to take up multiple responsibilities as they are seen as the important voices in their fields. What results is saying yes to everything, and then halfway through preparing and delivering on the various commitments, leaders find themselves feeling burnout and nearing mental breakdown.
The ultimate skill, of course, is having the self-compassion to say no in advance as you see the number of commitments rising and the potential overload they may bring. The skill to choose your own wellbeing is one that will pay huge dividends in how effective we can actually be in our leadership as we create the spaciousness to really lead by being more present. But if we are already on the train of having taken on too much, we push forward into the depths of the night, for weeks on end, eating and drinking whatever stimulants will keep us awake to get the job done to the standards we believe we need to keep delivering at. And although we may come out “triumphant” at the end, leading from this place will eventually have dire consequences for us, our teams, and the value of our work.
Quite recently, I had to face my own human frailties and practice self-compassion (reluctantly) by declining to moderate a gathering I was looking forward to hosting. I needed to rest from the flu I was struggling with, so I could show up more grounded and rested for the remaining events I was responsible for. Once I made the decision to tap out, I cried in the hotel bed, and then in the shower, angry that I didn’t have the physical fortitude to carry on. But I had “pushed through” on too many prior occasions at a cost, so I knew that I needed to be self-compassionate because I had a great team that could run with things in my absence. As it turned out, going home to rest was the best thing I could have done for myself, and my ability to successfully deliver on all the other gatherings I was holding space for.
And of course inevitably, that small act of my willingness to step away and give myself self-compassion, resulted in my team getting to practice their own sense of leadership, and in some of the participants writing me touching notes on how my action inspired them to be more compassionate on their own leadership journeys.
After that, I finally understood what author Mary Anne Radmacher meant by: “courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”
*Judy Sikuza is the CEO of The Mandela Rhodes Foundation. She is passionate about education and leadership development, finding deep meaning in projects that seek to give every human being an opportunity to fulfil their highest potential.
PS: This is a follow-up to the first piece in this Wholehearted leading and living series from Judy. You can check the first piece here.
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