He moved on too fast

It’s been almost two years since that unrehearsed phone conversation on December 18th. In less than thirty minutes, we dressed our dream of a possible shared lifelong future in immaculate white, put it a beautiful casket and laid it to a final rest! Then, we said our friendship vows, exchanged best wishes and kissed goodbye. But while we paid our last respects to that dream, I desperately wished we weren’t. 

Almost two years! Yet, some days it feels like my heart’s still nursing: trying to forget his hobbies and pet peeves; refusing to daydream when I meet someone who goes by his first name (I didn’t realize he had that many namesakes!); not to mention the heartthrob when I spot someone who remotely looks like him. I had to say goodbye to Facebook too. 

I’d struggled to forget his favourite Bible verses, but the preachers were clueless. And, if I had super powers, I would’ve secretly crashed the stereo when “his” song lit the party. I dreaded his favourite worship song because it drifted my attention from God to him. I revisited all the breathtaking castles built in the air. Even the ruins looked perfect. Why? Just why didn’t we work!?! The reasons seemed well-founded back then, so trivial now.

Not so with him. He’ll soon celebrate his second wedding anniversary. Six days after that phone conversation, this happened… 

It was Christmas Day. I’d just returned from church and was still revelling in the beauty of nativity, the children’s Christmas play, the Choir’s flawless rendition “Joy to the World”, the snow-covered trees outside my window…etc. Then, I got a text message, from him. My heart skipped several beats. Yup, his message signal could do that!

Here’s an excerpt.

HIM: Merry Christmas.
ME: Thanks, and same to you.
HIM: You’re welcome. (pause….typing….typing…pause…pause…typing…pause). I have some news… Which I’m not sure how you will take… But here goes… Last night, I proposed to “ABC”, and she said yes.
ME: Oh…wow! Congratulations! (in emojis)
HIM: Is that happiness?
ME: Yes, it’s great news. What do you mean you’re not sure how I will take it?
HIM: Well… Just given our history – which we’ve only recently sorted out.
ME:(defibrillator, please!!!)

…. In the best possible way, I expressed genuine happiness for him even though my frail heart was disintegrating to a million pieces. It legit felt like hearing the obituary of a dearly loved one. The joy of Christmas vanished like dew at sunrise. Cold from the snow outside penetrated my bones. I’d flown over eight hours to spend Christmas with family. Now, I had to conjure up sickness to bail out of the fun and special meals. Told my sister I wasn’t feeling too well and needed to stay in my bedroom. Kind of true, wasn’t it?  And Oh, once in my room, I struck a sleep pose each time someone knocked. Lol, the folly of the hurting. 

Anyways, I re-read his text message, folded my fingers as I counted – “19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 – six days!!! I haven’t begun wrapping my mind around this “situation-ship” and, he’s moved on? I bet he took off earlier? Did he ever truly care about me? Was it all a facade? Was he weighing his options and I came much too short? He proposed? She said “Yes?” Good Lord! Well, good for him. I must admit, his fiancée is so beautiful. Hmmm, I may have felt better about myself if she was just a teensy less gorgeous.” Soon enough, insecurity crept in… I ranked myself inferior, unworthy…etc.

You see, I truly meant it when I wished him well. But … it seems I didn’t think he’d turn out so well and so soon? (Oh, human that I am!) I may have also imagined that it will be well with me first (lol), or that we’d circle back and be well with each other  – that’s what I desired. Alas! He resurrected on the sixth day and I wallowed in the grave. Here’s why: 

1. I made the huge mistake of assessing my worth by how ‘fast’ he took to move on. Time lapse has little to do with quality of friendship once shared. It’s about readiness to perceive the collateral beauty and start afresh. A long interlude could mean anything from conventional respect to being meticulous; not necessarily sleep deprivation over us. Even so, that shouldn’t be the barometer for self-worth.

2. I was selfish: why would I want him stuck over me? What would that change? He deserved a fresh start, so why dillydally over me if he felt strongly about someone else? What would it profit a woman if a man took forever to get over her?

3. I expected his transition to take as long as mine. News flash – some are Cheetahs, others are Sloths. The biblical King David fasted and prayed for the healing of his sick child; yet worshipped and feasted at his death. People are wired differently, with varying levels of maturity. More importantly, there is a UNIQUE plan for each one.

4. I was blinded by the pain of what would never be, so much so that I failed to see what could; distressed by his ‘speedy’ commitment to someone else, that I overlooked the #MercyInDisguise: the complete closure it offered me; the freedom to move on; the new beginning, disguised as a definite end.

How fast a man/woman moves on, after us, could worsen the initial torment. But, we’re not the sum of time and space occupied in someone’s mind. We are chosen and treasured.

Easier said than done? Heck YES!

So ask for grace, thank the past for a better future and tell your heart to beat again.